Star Wars Retrospective: Episode 1

As I said earlier, over the next week, I'm going to be reposting my old reviews of the Star Wars Saga. Here is my entry on Episode 1.

Today, I am going to review the WORST Star Wars movie ever made, and I'm not talking about that animated Clone Wars movie.  I'm talking about the 1999 crapfest known as Episode 1: The Phantom Menace. 

This movie was awful.  The action was dull, the characters were boring, and the plot was stupid.  I mean, the second line talks about a tax on trade routes.  Now, how is that exciting?

I'm not going to really go into the plot, because let's face it, everybody and their brother has seen this piece of shit in the last 10 years.  I will however, talk about the few things I liked, and the many things I didn't like.

First off, the many things I didn't like.  Now, I saw this movie when I was 16, so I was able to pick apart the movie back then.  It was so obvious that Padme, the supposed decoy, was Queen Amidala.  So many moments, especially on Tattooine, that just screamed "I AM Queen Amidala!"

And Jake Lloyd.  Ooh, Jake Lloyd.  His dialogue was annoying.  Now, I understand it wasn't his fault; George Lucas' dialogue is about as natural as an oral bowel movement, so you can't completely blame the kid for what he had to say.  But Jake Lloyd was supposed to do 2 things as Anakin Skywalker; show his innocence and his capabilities.  And Jake Lloyd does neither.  His "innocence" moments just seem...too rehearsed.  And that "Are you and angel?" line is so bad that it was actually spoofed in KOTOR 2.

"Are you an angel? Aw, I'm just kidding. That's the worst line I've ever used. Hope some poor kid doesn't start using it." -Atton Rand

Next, is midiclorians.  I know that midiclorians are based on mitochondria, but it's still stupid.  Midiclorians create a scientific explanation for something that should remain mystical.  News Flash Lucas; the universe you create is NOT Earth, and shouldn't be treated as such.  You created alien races and planets that couldn't possibly exist in reality, (Coruscant, the planet that is completely city), and you feel the need to create the midiclorians?  Why?

Third; Jar Jar.  Anyone who knows me knows how much I hate Jar Jar.  He's annoying, he's clumsy, he's offensive at times in his stereotypes, and he is braindead.  I mean, even in his "comedy relief" role, he fails.  Nothing he does is funny.  But, I don't hate him nearly as much as I used to, because of a webcomic, Darth and Droids.  It does a retelling of the movies, but as a pen and paper role playing game.  And in that game, Jar Jar is played by a little girl.  And, then it hit me; Jar Jar wasn't created by George Lucas; it was created by one of his kids, most likely one of the younger ones; Katie or Jett.

Fourth, the action, or lack there of.  Well, I should say good action sequences, because there's plenty of crap.  The only good action scenes I can think of are the pod race, and the initial battle between Qui-Gonn and Darth Maul on Tattooine.  Everything else is sub-par.

Now, there are some good things.  First off is Ian McDiarmid, who is awesome as Palpatine.  McDiarmid's performance as Palpatine shows shades of what he is to become, and who he truly is, but at the same time, maintaining the benevolence needed for his role as a Senator, and later, Chancellor.  And his performance as Darth Sidious is wonderful.  Even though George Lucas' dialogue is awful, McDiarmid makes it work.  The entire Star Wars movie saga hinges on him, and he carries it perfectly.

Next, R2-D2.  As with Palpatine, a lot of moments hinge on R2.  Where other characters would seem forced into a role, R2 fits perfectly. 

Even 3PO is there, and is awesome.  He performs the role that Jar Jar fails at perfectly; comedic relief.  It's just too bad he isn't in more of the movie, because he is always funny.

All in all, this movie is a definite miss when it comes to George Lucas' storytelling.  In my opinion, this one can be passed and still get an awesome story.  Hell, not watching this one elevates the rest of the saga.

My best friend, when he introduces Star Wars to his daughter, is going to go with the original trilogy, then Episodes 2 and 3, forgoing Episode 1 until she is old enough to see just why this one is so bad.

As you can see, I did this review 4 years ago. At this point, the whole saga is on blue ray, a format that I don't own.  I still agree with what I said; it's still a piece of shit compared to the other five. Although, the Clone Wars cartoon gives this movie a run for it's money with how bad it is.  Anyway, tomorrow, on to Episode 2.